crimescenes - 2

I don't remember what happened to wake me up cept I rolled over and stared through blurry eyes to see the clock to see it says "04:45" and my brain just works funny cos first thing that pops into my head is 4+4+5 which adds up to 13.
'What's wrong,' whispers Kev, and now I'm aware his hand is right on my dick which fuck even if I knew the answer to his question I can't speak, just gasp and he's willing to so I just close my eyes and it's like a minute before I tell him I'm close, well I said that too late.
He laughs and finds a dirty T-shirt to clean me up and suddenly the room is filled with flashing lights which makes us duck in panic, like wtf, is it the sex police? I wonder but no there's like four cop cars and two ambulances across the street at the neighbor's place.

I never really met this neighbor so yeah I'm being judgmental but they seemed weird, it was like a father, a mother, and two twin boys whom I guess were like eleven or so. The father always looked grumpy, the mother looked like the kind of woman who never said a word unless allowed to, and the boys well they made me and Kev seem like normal kids, like little zombies that only associated with each other and never even spoke to any other kids. I'd never seen them smile or play, and just from what I'd seen from my window they were always doing work on their dad's garden. It's kind of pushing it to call it a garden, the old man must have had mental issues cos there were barely any flowers in it and everything he'd planted had spikes or thorns.

'Kev? Dax?' says a voice which makes me jump cos we're both stark naked staring through the blinds at the scene outside. It's mom and we hastily pull on jeans while she steals another freaking cig from me, oh well, fuck it, the pack is gonna be gone in two hours which is at least an hour before I can buy more. Teach me to steal vodka from her, speaking of which I find some glasses with nothing growing on them and pour some of the badly wounded bottle into all them and pass them around. Yummmy, warm vodka for breakfast, fuck it, yeah.

'That guy offed his wife and kids with a shotgun,' mom says, which makes me choke on my drink cos she kinda said it like someone might say 'It sure is warm today.' No wonder I was never quite normal. Just saying.

But on the other hand I'm not too surprised cos there def seemed to be something really off about all of them, 'specially the guy.
'Fuck,' says Kev, acting a bit bored and snagging more vodka and lighting a cig for both of us.
I'm thinking about it now, the kids were weird and the wife was a mouse, but really this whole thing is fucking sad cos yeah they may have been weird, they sure didn't deserve that shit.

Their old man shoulda just saved the world the trouble and stopped with blowing his own head off somewhere where no one would find him anytime soon. Why people have to fucking take their own bullshit out on people who never did anything to them, I dunno.

crimescenes - 1

The sun trickles through the dirt on the window of my bedroom. Kev is messing around with my iPod and pretty much ignoring me while I half-watch some porno on the internet. Best friends, and this is how we spent our time together most times. F'ng sad this life.
It was cool, I guess, cos well we were comfortable with each other, like we weren't usually around the other kids, I always got real nervous and fidgety around them and he always got real shy and quiet, but around each other we could just spend the time together and occasionally do shit together like watch a movie or go swimming, but it was just nice to be with another person when it didn't mean stress. I guess we have a f'd up relationship, sometimes he crashes with me, yeah in my bed even, we don't really do anything with each other, but still not gonna tell anyone else that cos down here boys are sposed to act different than that. Really, it's just like he's 'spose to be there or something.
I dunno what he was thinking today, tho, cos he usually nicks something from the liquor store run by the half-blind Cuban guy but today he got this shit that's watermelon something-or-other and it's all I can do to drink it, f, it's worse than that shit the dentist makes me rinse with.
We're passing it back and forth and he stuffs one of the earbuds in my ear while the other is in his to share it, cos it's a song he really likes, some screamo thing I downloaded while I was drunk the other night. Like I said, I guess it's kinda f'd up, he doesn't even ask or really need to, I just squish on the bed next to him and listen and most boys would prolly be wondering why they were so close to another boy, me, I'm more wondering what the f kinda mood I was in to download this shit cos it's really fucking dark.
I dunno, sometimes that happens when I get drunk, if he's not around 'specially, I just lock the door and disappear into ma headphones and write some poetry.
And yeah the other kids think we're both weird and prolly think we're gay and we're not helping our case if we gave a shit, I know I don't, not sure but I don't think Kev does either. Like I said, it's like this is just how it's supposed to be, us right now, even when he slouches a bit so his head is on my chest that's cool. So I just say, f them. Yeah.

'I want a freaking cig,' he groans.
He's been trying to quit for about two days. This is like the fourth time in four months, so I'm not gonna say shit, moms isn't home so I just shut him up by stuffing one of mine in his mouth and hope there's AirFresh shit round somewhere cos smoking in my room is kinda pushing it a bit but I want a happy Kev on top of me, not a miserable one.
I light myself one too and think for a bit about what we are, us, and I kinda like the sound of 'boyfriends' though I'm not ready to say I'm gay just yet, keep my options open cos we're still young, but I slide that idea his way and Kev's reaction is, 'well, yeah, I always kinda thought of us like that, I mean f'k what other people think, yanno' like always, so relaxed.
So I push him up a little bit and kiss him right on the lips and shit he pins me and almost ashes on me giving me a big sloppy kiss which is well shocking cos we've never done that but I guess he wanted to and I'm actually liking it so we go for a bit until the cig is getting dangerously close to ashing all over us. Yeah, that was interesting.
'Let's go sit out back by the pool,' I say, barely catching my breath.
He smiles that smile that is like one part angel and one part demon and says okay so I grab the cigs and we're out back now. The melon shit is just awful and it's running out so I have to score a bottle from the liquor cabinet, mom will get a little pissed but I'll pay her back so it's cool.

The pool looks so inviting, it must be fk'ng ninety-nine out here and already I'm drenched in sweat, my eyes barely adjusting to the brightness after the cave-like dark of my room, and f if Kev doesn't rip my jeans right off of me. I guess he must've been waiting for me to say what I said for a long time, and I'm not embarrassed much even though I'm way too skinny and now totally naked at least there's a seven foot fence around the whole back yard so the only person who can see me is him.
He's just looking at me, crouched, smiling.
'You're beautiful, Dax,' he says.
I laugh at that and he says he means it and I tell him he's drunk and now it's his turn so he takes off his clothes and I'm jealous of him cos he's a swimmer when he isn't sucking down Marlboros. He's got a hell of a body and f if I'm not getting hard just looking at him. Yeah.

It would be a little awkward if mom walked out right now. Just saying.

We jump in the pool which feels so nice and cool and I'm smoking while he's flopping around half-trying to do some laps which is really kinda pointless in this pool cos it's tiny. Finally he gives up and comes up to me and I feel his dick right up against me when he does. It's weird cos ya I'm turned on as hell but mostly it just feel like this is the way the universe is supposed to be, I kiss him and it's not like something huge changed since I said that out loud, except we lost our clothes somewhere along the way.

I brush the wet black mop of hair out of his bright blue eyes and kiss him some more, first I'm a little nervous. Not cos I'm kissing another boy, who cares about that, just I don't know if I'm doing this f'in right. Yeah.

Then I close my eyes and it's kinda like that feeling when you fall straight to sleep and into an awesome dream cos it's just perfect and floating and warm. He tastes like gummy bears and Marlboros and that watermelon shit, too, unfortunately, wtf was he thinking. Ugh.

I tell him this and he laughs and mumbles something which I make him repeat to make sure I heard right. And I gotta honestly say ya to him, I guess he's right. I dunno, it's not like thunderclouds popped up when we said it, just kinda I guess the truth is spoken out loud for the first time. Just saying.

I took the vodka from mom's liquor cabinet, f, it's more like a liquor cavern, in hopes that it will burn off the sugary bubble-gummish taste of the watermelon shit. Honest, Kev, what the f were you thinking?

We're coughing after trying to choke it down when the screen door opens and there's mom looking like some 1960s movie star all Doris Day or some shit, with gigantic white flower sunglasses and a just perfect white summer suit and a pitcher of lemonade and some cups.

She doesn't really care that we're skinny dipping or drinking, and I guess she didn't overhear our conversation. I expect you're wondering if I'm making this up, but no, I gotta tell you more 'bout her, I doubt she'd really care if she had heard us. I think she did lots of drugs when she was younger or something, all she's annoyed with me about is that I'm making Kev drink vodka (out of a plastic cup no less!) without something to mix it with, and she's also frowning at me cos I picked the cheap vodka she only keeps around for uninvited guests or if there's too much time between child support checks.

All she says is 'here ya go, Dax, lemonade, don't get too smashed,' and then all is well in the world of momma, oh and by the way, hello Kevin, now I'm gonna go watch Judge Judy and you really shouldn't smoke, but could I get one off of you?

And then she's gone, like a hurricane of failed parenting most people would say I guess. I could hide dead bodies in the yard and she wouldn't care. Yeah.

Or maybe she isn't so bad, I mean, she's been this way since forever which is prolly why dad ran off, and maybe that's why I'm not like that kid Shawn I know from school who spends half his life terrified of admitting to himself or anyone he's gay/likes boys and the other half mortified his parents might find out the few times we jerked each other off. Fuck, kid, I told him, it's just a handjob, it felt good, what the f is the big deal?

I mean who the f wants to live like that? This way me and Kev are is way better, ya we kinda drifted together and I don't ever see us splitting up cos we just stuck together so good, at least I hope we never split. It was never something where I was freaking over whether mom would approve of me being with him. Long as my grades are good, she doesn't care what else I do that makes me happy, and f if Kev doesn't make me so happy all the time just by being Kev.

It's almost summer too like in a few days and I hope it's like Kev promised, basically him moving in here with me for most of it. It's kinda selfish cos I love cuddling up with him and he can actually cook unlike me, but I hope there's something about me he likes enough to stick around for. Just I have no idea what it is. And sometimes when it's dark and I'm drunk and alone and running out of cigs I get scared cos tbh the only thing that can terrify me in this life is not being with him. I can say that to myself pretty easy and know it's true, yeah.

Now we just broke down that last little barrier which only makes that threat worse. It would be like someone removed huge pieces of my body, it would totally f me up forever if we split up now and I have to hide a few tears from him for a minute before I can just push that shit out of my head and focus on how beautiful and sweet and wonderful he is.

I don't know if I drank the vodka too fast or what but I'm just so relaxed like this, holding him, though it's getting chilly as the sun starts to get low so I suggest we jump in the shower and maybe curl up to watch a movie together.

He asks if I'm hungry and I'm like yeah, sure, so he wanders off to find something and comes back a bit later with some pork chops and fried potatoes, acting like it was nothing when it tastes so freaking awesome. Kev is sweet like that, even made it for momma also. I toss the empty plate onto a stack of dirty dishes on my desk that is threatening to tip over at some point soon and we just curl up naked under the blanket, flipping through movies until we find something distracting, but quickly lose track of it and start making out. He's just so warm and soft next to me and this just is too perfect now. Yeah.

haunted - 12

The snow changed to rain sometime overnight. I didn't sleep so good, but then again I never do. It's just past eight when I finally hear clinking downstairs and I spring to my feet, ready to chew my arm off after like twelve hours without a smoke. I have to try to act semi social for a few seconds before I get the nerve to ask if it's okay to smoke out back and if so what to use for an ashtray.
I guess the thought I had the first time I ever had a cigarette was right. Turns out Trey smoked, in the house no less, I just have lost a lot of my sense of smell after years of really cheap cigs. I find his ashtray but still go out back cos I like to be outside in the morning. Quickly I change my mind and suck the cigarette so hard it almost goes down my throat . It's pouring the rain and damned cold.
'You should have put on a coat,' comments his wife to me, I don't know what name to call her. She's making pancakes and I notice she's got real blueberries out, not frozen ones, the real thing. That sounds great. She seems much more there and cheery. I wonder if having me in the house is why, if maybe it makes the place seem less lonely than it had since Trey died.
Officer comes up behind me, how a big Irishman like him can move so quietly is weird. He's not a morning person, and come to think of it I guess he must mostly do nightshift cos I've never seen him on the streets before late afternoons.

The pancakes are great, even real maple syrup and bacon too, and I feel like I'm gonna pop from all of this food.
'So, you ready?' ask Officer.
'Yes, if it's okay, Officer.'
'Call me Colin,' he says with a laugh.
'You can call me Maddy,' his wife says. This has got to be more words than she's ever said to me before so I just say okay and go to find something warm and waterproof in Trey's stuff, finally settling on a Volcom hoody and finding sneakers that match it. The kid had kinda small feet but at least the sneakers don't have holes like mine.
It's a quiet ride to a place I've been scared to visit in years, passing by dozens of shuttered stores observing a holiday that seems so empty to me now. I think I remember enjoying it when I was little, the crinkle of wrapping papper that no matter how bad I destroyed it getting to my presents, moms always folded the salvageable pieces up and stored them.
I see a Chinese flower shop that's open and ask Officer, Colin, er, to pull over, scrounging through the change from yesterday to get something that is at least nice and still alive.

We get there and I feel like I'm gonna puke. I always told myself before it was such a bitch to get here by subway is why I never made it, but the truth is the knots in my stomach are making it damned near impossible to get out of the car. I know where it is and it seems every step closer the temperature is dropping five degrees.
Finally I'm there and it feels like I got punched in the stomach ten times, I just sink to eye level with the 1986-2006 staring me in the face, cold stone confirming it. The only comfort is it says Joey not Joseph.
I burst into tears, wishing the ground beneath would become quicksand, give way, let me sink into the earth and be next to him forever, never have to wake up alone, such a tiny marker all that there was money for yet it feels like the biggest skyscraper in the world about to topple over on me.
I will never get over this. Not in five years, not in ten, not ever, even if I make it another ten despite my best effort. I always knew it which is why there's space next to his marker for me, a destination I keep trying to get to and it always is just a bit too far for me to reach it seems.

I sense Colin nearby but even if I were embarrassed I couldn't stop crying. The man offers me a flask which I kill in one swig, drinking so fast there's not even time for it to burn on the way down.

For twenty two, I've seen these cold stones where people I loved and lived with used to be too much.

all that is left to say.

(i had a dream)
you and me
sitting there in the chaos and screams
eating chicken wings while the world ended
all those years together
and all we could think to say to each other
was how it was a shame they were out of the good ones
the hot ones

and waiting for the jellyfish to dine on our minds
hoping to join the ranks that could not see the rising waters
could not smell the sewers choked with rotting corpses

this must indeed be death's dream kingdom
just for the dead
the veil of night masks it
in the illusion of glories we never had in life

as our dessicated bodies float
souls escape the supermax prisons of life

the boy we wanted to talk to that time
but never did
listening to our minds and our minders
'he's not good enough for you'
'not a good sort of boy for you'
'faggot'
so instead we kept quiet
we never had a real chance at happiness after that
at least not the kind we could have had

the friends we never quite fit in with
misguided by advice handed down to us as law
and too afraid to be ourselves
and too afraid of rejection
until the time came we finally got up the nerve to break the law
and found the friends
by then of course too old to fit in
too old to grow old with the kids we could have been friends with for life
instead on the sidelines once again
just a taste of what that moment would have been like
if just once as a kid we'd said 'fuck off' instead of 'yes mum'
it could have all gone different

and you, how this ever happened
just the biggest symbol of my fucking failure
how the fuck this ever fucking happened
i hate myself for meeting you, even worse for telling myself i loved you
munching on your chicken wing with that stupid blank stare
i just want to smash your face in
or at least shake you
say 'wake the fuck up man'
but i don't really care about you or if you stay stupid
besides it's not your fault
it's all my fault

not much point in excuses when buildings crumble
into shit-stained putrefying water
i wasn't too young, i was just stupid
i listened to too many people whom i was told to trust
i never should have
so i lost my freedom tangled in their barbed-wire chains of 'middle-class standards'
tearing myself to bits in the one fatalistic act of transgression, rebellion
that lead my shattered vulnerable drowning self to you
shivering and desperate to be warm and not alone

i can't say you took advantage
i forced your hand that day
bent your empathy to make you take care of me
when really i should have been a better person
and let myself get sucked under without a fight
but like most drowning victims it was only a matter of time and panic
before i tried to take down my unwilling rescuer with me
and as it would be forever from there
i mostly failed at that also

suffering for years until like squid ink black and cold
hate replaced whatever that feeling we called love was
choking out the sun
the world was a barren snow

then it ended, finally at last for real, the glaciers breaking free
seemed such relief for that short time
until til i realized the inevitable truth
until the waters rose and drowned the world.

haunted - 11

I greet his wife and she manages a whisper of a smile.
'Trey's clothes fit you?' she asks, and I'm uneasy cos I know too much about death. Even when people die, people you care about, it's nearly impossible if not totally impossible to ever think about them in past tense.
'Yes'm,' I say and thank her and I realize I'm starving cos it's been years since I've seen this much food, even longer since I had a home-cooked meal, cos of all the things I loved about Joey he was a disaster in the kitchen. He tried but it always ended up with take-out or delivery or sometimes fire trucks.
She's a damn good cook, too, almost as good as moms was, and I guess Officer figures it's okay to let me drink some wine. That takes some getting use to, cos I've never really had wine, this is red wine and it's a little sour but fuck it's free alcohol and pretty good. The roast she made is so tender and juicy and there's potatoes and onions on it, and then for dessert there's a damned good apple pie packed with cinnamon and sugar.
She starts to get up to clear the table but I insist on doing it and the dishes, it's the least I can do after being fed well like that. I hear them talking but not what they're saying, and after I'm done I wander out, drying my hands discreetly on the T-shirt out of habit.

Officer takes me into his library or study or whatever it is, a big old room with worn wood bookshelves and lots of books, and I talk him into more scotch.
'I need to warn the store to stock more,' he laughs.
He's got a lot of old books, lots of history books it seems about World War II, I'm not surprised to see he's got a lot of detective and mystery books and stuff.
He's quiet, I notice he's put on some sort of classical music and has his glasses on reading something.
'Whatcha reading?' I ask, feeling a little uncomfortable, like I fell into Sherlock Holmes' study or something.
'Just reports. It's my job, it never ends,' he says, laughing and taking the glasses off. 'Sit.'
I find a leather chair so big it almost swallows me whole, clumsily struggling to get comfortable, which makes him laugh.
'You know, I discussed it with Maddy,' he says, and I guess that's his wife.
'Huh?'
'We'd like to offer you Trey's room, help you get your life back together, if you want.'
That just hangs in the air like a cloud of poison gas, I mean, I figured that was what they were gonna say but hearing it out loud well I don't know how to feel about it. I mean, what's left to get together, there isn't a day where I don't wake up shivering and the first thought is always what it was like to wake up next to Joey, how nice that was, and the second thought is like fuck my life and wishing I'd just never wake up again.
I don't know what to say so I ask if it's okay for me to think about it and stay at least tonight, maybe tomorrow.
'Take your time,' he says. 'I understand how you must feel.'
Which does make me hesitate cos I know he prolly does understand some of how I feel and he's been good to me from the day a few years back where he stopped me from getting mugged by some thugs.
'Can you take me somewhere tomorrow?' I ask him and he says sure, where, but I don't think there's any way he doesn't know. Which is confirmed cos he just nods after a minute. He says he's tired and tells me where Trey's room is, to make myself comfortable and try not to drink all his scotch before I go to sleep.

I'm lying awake in Trey's bed staring at the band posters that cover most every wall. Most of them are bands I like, too, I think if I'd ever known Trey in life we prolly would've had stuff in common and maybe been friends. There's a bunch of photos around of him which is a bit weird feeling and I notice he never seems to be really smiling, a few he looks like he's trying but it never quite seems like the kid behind the smile is actually happy. I wonder what his life was like, wonder if he ever had good friends or found someone to love, wonder if his death was just a mistake or it was his way out of all the pain.

haunted - 10

I'm holding this razor and staring at Officer's bathroom before I notice he uses the same toothpaste and shampoo Joey did. Three years on and I just go through motions like without even thinking or trying. People pass me on the street but it's like they're not really even there, like I'm on another planet with a poisonous atmosphere.
I don't really know how to shave with this thing and it's getting more and tempting to just bury it in my arm, feel it slice through, feel the blood leave and hope that Joey is waiting there for me. I've lost so much that I can never get back, I will never be able to love someone again. Everyone I care about is dead. I don't even care about myself anymore.
I'm mad at my body because no matter how much I've abused it, poisoned it with cheap vodka and cigarettes, frozen it solid with brutal winters in an unheated abandoned apartment and icy baths only once in a great while, denied it any comforts, starved it of nutrition by only feeding it grease and junk food, no matter what even after all of that it won't just give out on me and let me rest.
It's still chilly in here so I find a towel and at least wrap it around me while I start the bath. While I'm waiting I look at my reflection, now in the flash of the silver blade.
'You okay?' says a voice behind me which scares the fuck out of me. I'm wondering if he noticed my fascination with the opportunity to end it quickly right here in my hands.
'Just waiting on the tub,' I lie.
Sometimes when I catch my reflection I see Joey in it, next to me. All I have left of us is that photo and a T-shirt of his I managed to rescue that smells of him.
Officer's got some fresh clothes, I guess Trey was never much of a cheerful kid in life cos everything is black. That fits my mood. It will forever.
'Do you want me to show you how to shave with that?' asks Officer, and he's probably trying to read my mind as to why I keep hanging onto the blade and hoping there's a nice 'normal' reason I am.
If I'm gonna end myself it wouldn't be fair to do it here, not to them, especially not after Trey. So I lie and say yes but first I drain the scotch which is actually not bad, though he's rather shocked when I ask for more. He comes back with a bigger plastic cup and I pace myself a bit. The shit I drink whenever I afford to buy it must be watered down, cos this is going to my head in a pleasant warm way but fast as fuck.
He shows me the shaving cream, which I get most everywhere but where it's supposed to be, and is carefully guiding my hand with the blade, I don't have a beard, just scrubbiness, so it only takes a few minutes. Then he gets me to use the aftershave, which fuck that hurts like hell.
Tub is full so I just drop the towel and climb in with no shame and fuck it's so nice and warm and with the scotch that is the warmest I've felt in so long. I close my eyes and just kinda wanna relax but I know Officer has always looked out for me and now he wants to know how someone so young in his eyes ended up so totally fucked up. I can see the concern in his eyes like wanting me to talk but not wanting to press.
I start to lie by habit, but fuck I think I owe him the truth or at least most of it which just tumbles out end over end like a dagger in a bad ninja movie and I realize at the end actually has tears in his eyes, which makes me feel bad cos sometimes I forget most people don't have so much shit in their lives go wrong so soon. Every day for me is prolly worse than most of all the bad things in his life.
Then he just says he's gonna go finish setting the table, dinner will be ready in a few, and I'm left there with my thoughts. Times like this where I'm alone and the only sounds are the distant horns of cars in snow and the bright sound I'm not used to of forks and plates being arranged, these are the times I just close my eyes and talk to Joey in my head, always hoping to get an answer back. It makes my chest hurt to think about.
Finally I slip out of the tub, pop the drain open, kill the last few sips of my scotch and put on the clothes they left me. I check myself in the mirror and they fit pretty good, it's so strange to see myself in clean clothes like this. My eyes are bloodshot from silent tears. I collect myself as much as I can.

'I miss you, Joey,' I whisper to myself as I head out to find the table.

update 2009-03-02 - new projects in the early stages and more

Hey all my wonderful readers :/ Just a quick post to update you on a new project I'm starting which is graphic T''s and hoodies based on my photographs and designed by me.
I'm planning to do a lot more photography as the weather improves (brrrrr) and incorporate these into custom designed, limited edition shirts. Not sure 100% yet how limited they will be -- maybe keep a design up for a few months or just sell a certain # of them. I've launched the beginnings of a store @ afk4life.spreadshirt.com featuring three designs.

The T's are all American Apparel so very high quality and there's also hoodies avail for all of them. It's a challenging project but I'm very excited about it. At left is a peek at the first series of designs just launched yesterday.

Other things I'm working on are the layout of this blog to make it cleaner. I was getting real sick of the standard squishy layout that blogger adds by default so I widened it more modern standards. I think that will also help with readability of the posts -- a lot less scrolling. And I made ImagesNGhosts (my photoblog) consistent also. I've also changed out the biography to make it a bit clearer.

I'm also going to be adding more poetry and (probably in conjunction with new graphics for the T's) more graphic/photographic projects. On the photoblog over the next few weeks I'll be linking the photos to my deviantArt page so if anyone wants to, they can get prints (biiiig ones are possible lol).

Also, I'll be adding a few more things. I'm planning on doing videos for my Youtube if my computer will cooperate (it hasn't before, but I got a faster disk back in December).

Hope everyone enjoys my new projects.. I'm trying to focus most of my energy on my art this year because it's something I feel is the most important thing to me, so if you feel like donating so I can do this, please just scroll on the sidebar @ right, there's a link there. There's also links to my other project pages.

Thanks again for your comments, support, and contributions!
-doug

haunted - 9

December 13, 2006

He made me a birthday cake. Chocolate-chocolate after a huge pie from Jimmy's - awesome. And we've got a lot in the jar, almost enough to break out of here and go north, maybe in just a couple of months. We're going over this real estate magazine now trying to find a cheap house, so far it seems easier in Vermont or Maine, there's a real cute place in Jay, Vermont we like, it's all rustic and shit and close to a ski resort which is cool cos Joey could get work there, he can ski and play golf.

'I wanna make it so you never have to work again,' he says. He smiles and tussles my hair before giving me a soft kiss.

And in Vermont we can get a partnership now so I say sure let's do a downpayment on it tomorrow. He smiles and brushes my hair again.

'I'm gonna give you a haircut tomorrow.'
'I like it long.'
'Not short, just clean it up a bit, you know?'
'Okay' I laugh and then he's made a bath for me and fuck I just close my eyes cos he's washing my hair and giving me a massage and then oh shit his hands get down there and I'm so done cos he can get me off way faster than I can get myself off. I cum so hard it gets him in the face and he licks off what he can.
'I can't wait to get married to you for real,' he says, splashing water on his face to get the rest off.  'Hmmm....I think maybe I need to wash your hair again, you made a mess,' with that sweet smile.
He laughs his gentle laugh and strips and fuck I just roll onto my stomach and I hope this never fades cos I love when he fucks me so slow it has me cumming for the whole time without even trying.

I light a cig off the stove and trip over something which sends the kitchen flying, cereal everywhere. I'm trying to clean up the mess when he shakes the cig pack and it's empty so he pulls me up.
'Let's go grab cigs and Chinese.'
I stare at the Cheetos and Pop-Tarts and Ramen all over the floor for a minute before I'm like 'okay' cos spicy orange chicken sounds awesome atm.

'I have confession,' he says. 'I called the bank and we're cool if we drop a deposit by at their Manhattan branch tomorrow,' he says, turning around as we walk down the street way too underdressed for this cold. But I'm starving and so excited now.
'You mean-'
'It's ours then. Our own house.'
'Really?'
'Ya, I mean it's gonna be a bitch to get there but once it's done I think Theo will get us the driver again, I'm doing tech shit that I can do from anywhere so he's got nothing to lose.'

He smiles and just steps onto the street.
I'm like six feet from him and I just can't stop thinking about how awesome it's gonna be, our first night in our own house.
Bus.
Brakes and squealing rubber.
Blood.
Hospital.
Doctor telling me.
Stumble home.
Buy vodka and cry a lot cos everything my life was gone. It's over.
Home though doesn't feel like anymore.
Why fire engines.
Whole place up in flames.
Fuck I forgot I left the stove on, didn't even notice when I came back, I was so destroyed.

All I will ever have in this world is the crumpled photo of me and him stuffed in my jeans pocket. I just want to die.

haunted - 8

October

I only have those letters as scraps, carefully concealed in the most public place that no one will ever think to look. This is where my memory begins, and I think by now you know why I'm never some kid from southeast Indy, no, I'm always from someplace too far away for anyone to bother to check out, sometimes Houston, sometimes Oregon or Seattle or Miami or Charleston.

I took his offer and those guys were scary motherfuckers but they were also smart and I got a system that seemed like magic to them but for me it wasn't much at all, in the end they were just shocked I made them like $50k in two weeks and they gave me, us, $5k. I stuck it in my jar because neither of us can really open a bank account. Not til we're eighteen which is a year and nine days for me and nine months for him. And even then there's gonna be lots of questions so idk if we will. I just wanna make enough so we can pay cash on a decent car and buy us a house someplace way up north like Vermont or New Hampshire or Maine where no one is gonna find us and we can do our thing there. I hate Brooklyn, it's so fucking big and dirty and this just makes me more impatient.

I miss moms so much. It's every night in my dreams and I wish I had more than Joey's diary to remind me of what I did to Paul, I wish I remembered it for real, I wish I could do it again and again only slower so he got even a fraction of the pain he's caused me and us.

It's snowing a bit just flurries but I love October cos that's Halloween month not like decorations and stupid shit just all the stuff bout ghosts yanno. And Joey got back home this Friday and he had a surprise for me that's well just the best surprise.

'They'll be here in two hours,' he says.
'Who?'
'It's a surprise. Dress warm and let's get a pizza in the meantime.'
And that's a big splurge but fuck we order from Jimmy's which is just awesome pizza dripping cheese and overflowing with pepperoni and mushrooms and hot peppers and he even got beer delivered, shit three beers will knock me over. For some reason he got a case but I don't ask. He's enjoying the beer with his pizza which ugh I can't drink beer with anything but a burger so I suck down my Coke Zero and fuck this pizza is like a melting orgasm it's so good.

I don't know how we managed to kill the whole eighteen inch pizza but well if you've ever had Jimmy's you'd know. Even if you're full there's no way to stop and at the end you still want more. I've eaten it several times and I could easily go til I puke it's just that good.
There's a horn and Joey collects the beer and I stuff all kinds of warm things including our blanket into the bag with flashlights and he tells me to grab the old Coleman we bought used at some sad sale off Myrtle and I'm curious what he has planned.

There's a giant black limo waiting there and I stop for a minute before I realize this is our ride and jump in and I'm almost knocked unconscious by the biggest thing of flowers I've ever seen with a card that says 'happy fourth anniversary I love you but really its more like our seventeenth isn't it?'

I've never been in a limo to start and now this and the car is moving and I can't stop crying cos I know he works for a party company but this just means so much even if it's way too much.

'Do you like it?' he asks and I say yes but the lights of New York are fading fast and it seems like forever before the limo stops and the driver exchanges words with Joey about picking us up I guess though I'm just staring at where we are and it's the spookiest fucking place I've ever seen. It looks like some sort of abandoned castle before I see the crumbling sign that says 'Penitentiary' and some guard guy is unlocking a gate for us.

This place has got be the scariest I've been. The guard leads us someplace and we get set up and the Coleman lit. The guard is long gone and fuck if I were here alone I'd be going insane cos I keep hearing shit when I know it's just me and him here, like bars rattling and I even think a voice in the distance.

There's a loud pop which almost sends me flying before I realize the sneaky bastard has champagne. I drink a lot cos well it's one thing to watch ghosts on TV but now I feel like they're really all around me.

'Do you wanna walk around?' he says and I know he's got some plan just not sure what it is so I say okay even though I just want a very soundproof blanket to hide under til dawn with him next to me.

After all he's given up and done for me I would follow him into lava. But fuck this place is just so creepy the flashlight is barely flickering off the crumbling walls and rusting bars of open cells. I don't get the feeling a lot of people escaped from here even in death.

There's a sign that says 'Infirmary' and Joey says let's go in. Even though this place must be shut like thirty years it still smells of antiseptic and death. Joey gets me to lie on the stainless steel bed and it's just so fucked up that it's turning me on which is even more fucked up cos now he's undoing my jeans just enough and his are totally off and he jumps on me. I close my eyes and this is kinda hard to explain cos when I fuck him it's like...I don't even know. It's just like the whole world gets perfect at once and ya it's cold as fuck in here but I'm warm inside here and I feel like ghosts are watching us so I only let him ride me a bit before I flip him over and ya it's totally dark now cos I killed the flashlight so it's just us and the darkness and the ghosts. Fuck I never thought anything could get me so horny at the same time so scared shitless, and I have to slow down cos it's so awesome I came a bit before I thought but I keep it going just stare at the falling snow through the rusty bars of the small square window above us.

In the back of my mind is this creeping question of wondering how many bad men died on this very guerney.

I try to slow down, but it doesn't work so good. I cum and cum like thirty minutes in and I try to roll over, totally forgetting how small this metal slab was and almost feel like I was back to the big bed I had as a sixteen year old kid the first time we did it, totally forgetting this is the first time he's wanted me to fuck him or let me, the first time I really wanted to cos it always felt much safer the other way around for me.

He pulls on his jeans and zips me up and now he's dragging me somewhere else and not even using the flashlight now I'm so fucking creeped I keep hearing shit and spinning around expecting to be staring at something I don't want to see. Then he pushes a door open and wow if I thought ghosts of murderers and rapists were scary this is much more. It's a chapel and before I know it he's down on one knee.

'Will you marry me?' he asks and I'm like well isn't that obvious of course. Something crashes just after I say 'I do' and that's enough for both of us, we're running back to the relative safety of our base camp, just hoping nothing is chasing us.

Later we cuddle up naked and I can't sleep cos I keep hearing shit that sounds way too close for comfort, footsteps, whispers, clanging, and there's shadows running around sometimes I swear I feel something icy drift over out bodies which makes every hair stand up. My boyfriend, my best friend ever too, just proposed to me in the absolute scariest place I've ever been..

Of course I said yes cos that means Joey gets me better than anyone ever will, cos that's the most romantic thing I could ever imagine anyone doing.

dark side of empire - [poem] 4/4

trust

new strangers found my home
a place they wanted to help
a town they wanted to call home

but you proved more insidious

these strangers i welcomed
spoke dark whispers
beneath a gentle false breath of kindness

gladly their cash flows into my town
but that debt cost more in the end
than it could ever be worth
a price too high

and now i recognize the face
your face
once a friend, a partner
now an enemy
i still have trouble believing it

sitting alone underneath a frozen moon
tears freezing in place

only two possibilities now
civil war
or occupation

dark side of empire - [poem] 3/4

aftermath

your armies ate all our food
smashed our pitiful cities to bits
made off with the little treasure we had

broken to pieces
never to be rebuilt
but free from occupation

the only reminder
a smoking ruin
where once your palaces stood
shattered signs of your invaders
crushed into splinters
abandoned barracks collapsing on themselves

but free from occupation
and for a time there the children of conquest
crawled out into the parched streets and played
and slowly the blood got absorbed by the earth
once again

water was scarce and food even more
still we ate and drank in joy
my soldiers are their heroes now
I am a hero now

dark side of empire - [poem] 2/4

uprising

sticks and spears against rifles
crushed bones crackling underfoot with every step
a quiet war at first
then your palace
your reichstag
my rebels burned it

dusty streets awash in blood and pain
mortars sailing into the houses of innocents
the naked children hiding in terror in the crushed rubble
choking on asbestos clouds
screaming for the long-dead people they thought
could always protect them
clawing in the dark
ripping their fingernails off to escape
the noise and death and pain

all of us dying in numbers
those numbers and the resolve my only hope
i killed your generals one by one
until you lost your taste for this fight
and retreated

dark side of empire - [poem] part 1

colonized

i became your colony
persuaded then invaded
my soldiers put down their weapons for you

the promises
end my poverty
protect me, protect us

all impressive
but just a lie
by that time your occupation
was complete

and nothing changed for me
except for the worse
dusty streets became a steaming sewer
naked children stumbling around in a starved daze
ribs poking through shriveled skin
while your generals appropriated what food there was
dining on steaks and bordeaux
just a mile away behind a fortress
built on your lies to me

silently I seethed for years
until at last...

haunted - 7

September 15

from Rhys-
Fuck. You really confused me for a bit there Joey cos I sat up and felt awake for the first time in forever, knocked over my ID and it said I was 18. How we got here I don't know for sure but I know you saved me. I cry for a bit and it's chilly here so I pull you close. If Paul never had existed none of this would've been necessary. I keep thinking about mornings with me and you and mom and french toast with powdered sugar and her twenty cups of coffee and lots of laughs maybe even picnics or that trip to the Jersey shore we talked about in those last days that went by too quick. I met you first and I don't know if you remember but it was my sixteenth birthday and I just knew but I really didn't, every night until you saved me from more than just slipping on black ice I've thought of you. You look so beautiful through the moonlight I don't even know exactly how I got here but...
I undo your jeans just enough, being soft so not to wake you. I suck on it a bit to get you hard and now it's hard so I get it a bit wetter before I slip it in, guess I wasn't subtle cos you gasp and fuck it's in me now and this feels so incredible like I'm alive again. I let you roll me over and push more and you're pushing my legs back so far but I wish you could go even deeper, even tho it hurts it feels amazing and fuck now you're kissing me and I wish I'd been there so you hadn't had to do this all alone but now I'm back and we'll get shit together and make our lives perfect fuck I love you so much. Don't cum fast, take all night and all day if you want cos there's nothing gonna feel this good ever.
Love
Rhys

haunted - 6

Labor Day

Joey's Diary:
You really have come out of your shell here. I hope you don't mind but I bought us fake ID's with some of the money from the jar I found in your room and now I got a job and we can get our own place off the books pretty soon.
It's not a great neighborhood but it's our own place now. I gotta wake you up a bit because I met some guys looking for a math genius, well it's a little sketchy but you told me the poker story and it's huge money. We can forget the past and make a future. I'ma go get us some slices, your favorite, pepperoni and mushroom, I guess maybe I can buy us some alcohol and cigs from the Arabs cos they don't care or card. I'm so scared you're gonna come out of it and be pissed but I've only done all this to keep us together and safe. I can't imagine life without you in it and that's for sure true, I mean say the word and we go back to XXXXXX and own up to it all. I love you and that's all that matters, I could die today and be happy knowing I've met the one person in the world, in history, who made my life perfect and terrible at once, which I guess is what love means.
-Joey