haunted - 10

I'm holding this razor and staring at Officer's bathroom before I notice he uses the same toothpaste and shampoo Joey did. Three years on and I just go through motions like without even thinking or trying. People pass me on the street but it's like they're not really even there, like I'm on another planet with a poisonous atmosphere.
I don't really know how to shave with this thing and it's getting more and tempting to just bury it in my arm, feel it slice through, feel the blood leave and hope that Joey is waiting there for me. I've lost so much that I can never get back, I will never be able to love someone again. Everyone I care about is dead. I don't even care about myself anymore.
I'm mad at my body because no matter how much I've abused it, poisoned it with cheap vodka and cigarettes, frozen it solid with brutal winters in an unheated abandoned apartment and icy baths only once in a great while, denied it any comforts, starved it of nutrition by only feeding it grease and junk food, no matter what even after all of that it won't just give out on me and let me rest.
It's still chilly in here so I find a towel and at least wrap it around me while I start the bath. While I'm waiting I look at my reflection, now in the flash of the silver blade.
'You okay?' says a voice behind me which scares the fuck out of me. I'm wondering if he noticed my fascination with the opportunity to end it quickly right here in my hands.
'Just waiting on the tub,' I lie.
Sometimes when I catch my reflection I see Joey in it, next to me. All I have left of us is that photo and a T-shirt of his I managed to rescue that smells of him.
Officer's got some fresh clothes, I guess Trey was never much of a cheerful kid in life cos everything is black. That fits my mood. It will forever.
'Do you want me to show you how to shave with that?' asks Officer, and he's probably trying to read my mind as to why I keep hanging onto the blade and hoping there's a nice 'normal' reason I am.
If I'm gonna end myself it wouldn't be fair to do it here, not to them, especially not after Trey. So I lie and say yes but first I drain the scotch which is actually not bad, though he's rather shocked when I ask for more. He comes back with a bigger plastic cup and I pace myself a bit. The shit I drink whenever I afford to buy it must be watered down, cos this is going to my head in a pleasant warm way but fast as fuck.
He shows me the shaving cream, which I get most everywhere but where it's supposed to be, and is carefully guiding my hand with the blade, I don't have a beard, just scrubbiness, so it only takes a few minutes. Then he gets me to use the aftershave, which fuck that hurts like hell.
Tub is full so I just drop the towel and climb in with no shame and fuck it's so nice and warm and with the scotch that is the warmest I've felt in so long. I close my eyes and just kinda wanna relax but I know Officer has always looked out for me and now he wants to know how someone so young in his eyes ended up so totally fucked up. I can see the concern in his eyes like wanting me to talk but not wanting to press.
I start to lie by habit, but fuck I think I owe him the truth or at least most of it which just tumbles out end over end like a dagger in a bad ninja movie and I realize at the end actually has tears in his eyes, which makes me feel bad cos sometimes I forget most people don't have so much shit in their lives go wrong so soon. Every day for me is prolly worse than most of all the bad things in his life.
Then he just says he's gonna go finish setting the table, dinner will be ready in a few, and I'm left there with my thoughts. Times like this where I'm alone and the only sounds are the distant horns of cars in snow and the bright sound I'm not used to of forks and plates being arranged, these are the times I just close my eyes and talk to Joey in my head, always hoping to get an answer back. It makes my chest hurt to think about.
Finally I slip out of the tub, pop the drain open, kill the last few sips of my scotch and put on the clothes they left me. I check myself in the mirror and they fit pretty good, it's so strange to see myself in clean clothes like this. My eyes are bloodshot from silent tears. I collect myself as much as I can.

'I miss you, Joey,' I whisper to myself as I head out to find the table.