haunted - 9

December 13, 2006

He made me a birthday cake. Chocolate-chocolate after a huge pie from Jimmy's - awesome. And we've got a lot in the jar, almost enough to break out of here and go north, maybe in just a couple of months. We're going over this real estate magazine now trying to find a cheap house, so far it seems easier in Vermont or Maine, there's a real cute place in Jay, Vermont we like, it's all rustic and shit and close to a ski resort which is cool cos Joey could get work there, he can ski and play golf.

'I wanna make it so you never have to work again,' he says. He smiles and tussles my hair before giving me a soft kiss.

And in Vermont we can get a partnership now so I say sure let's do a downpayment on it tomorrow. He smiles and brushes my hair again.

'I'm gonna give you a haircut tomorrow.'
'I like it long.'
'Not short, just clean it up a bit, you know?'
'Okay' I laugh and then he's made a bath for me and fuck I just close my eyes cos he's washing my hair and giving me a massage and then oh shit his hands get down there and I'm so done cos he can get me off way faster than I can get myself off. I cum so hard it gets him in the face and he licks off what he can.
'I can't wait to get married to you for real,' he says, splashing water on his face to get the rest off.  'Hmmm....I think maybe I need to wash your hair again, you made a mess,' with that sweet smile.
He laughs his gentle laugh and strips and fuck I just roll onto my stomach and I hope this never fades cos I love when he fucks me so slow it has me cumming for the whole time without even trying.

I light a cig off the stove and trip over something which sends the kitchen flying, cereal everywhere. I'm trying to clean up the mess when he shakes the cig pack and it's empty so he pulls me up.
'Let's go grab cigs and Chinese.'
I stare at the Cheetos and Pop-Tarts and Ramen all over the floor for a minute before I'm like 'okay' cos spicy orange chicken sounds awesome atm.

'I have confession,' he says. 'I called the bank and we're cool if we drop a deposit by at their Manhattan branch tomorrow,' he says, turning around as we walk down the street way too underdressed for this cold. But I'm starving and so excited now.
'You mean-'
'It's ours then. Our own house.'
'Really?'
'Ya, I mean it's gonna be a bitch to get there but once it's done I think Theo will get us the driver again, I'm doing tech shit that I can do from anywhere so he's got nothing to lose.'

He smiles and just steps onto the street.
I'm like six feet from him and I just can't stop thinking about how awesome it's gonna be, our first night in our own house.
Bus.
Brakes and squealing rubber.
Blood.
Hospital.
Doctor telling me.
Stumble home.
Buy vodka and cry a lot cos everything my life was gone. It's over.
Home though doesn't feel like anymore.
Why fire engines.
Whole place up in flames.
Fuck I forgot I left the stove on, didn't even notice when I came back, I was so destroyed.

All I will ever have in this world is the crumpled photo of me and him stuffed in my jeans pocket. I just want to die.